I'm in love with...

Myself!

Fuck, what a crazy thing to consider. lol. I’m sure I know about a dozen people who would consider me to be a narsissist because of that statement, but let me explain why I believe it to be true, or at least why it has to be true.

I just spent 10 minutes balling my eyes out. The cause? oh, I just came to the realization that all the things I dedicate my time to… I’m doing them for someone that isn’t even in my life anymore. So why am I doing them?

I have a habit that I have picked up last week where whenever I think about telling someone about my accomplishments, I instantly start feeling a weight in my chest grow, and like a ticking time-bomb, I start crying without fail.

It feels like the only one I can share things with is myself these days. Not Maven, not Iris, not any of my other aspects. It’s Abby… The one I killed.

in order to simplify myself, I cut off traits of myself. Abby Original. She died a few months ago. She died in order for a new, better model to eventually take over. Maven. She is the one I am working towards. I built a ship that would work itself until she would come someday and be able to take over and captain the ship.

When I say this is Maven’s blog, I mean to say she is who we wait for to take over. We are preparing the controls in our brain to be compatible for her genius. Don’t think of it as a library, but just the shelves. Don’t think of it as destinations, but merely the highways for those destinations.

So have I created some kind of messiah complex for myself? this Maven lingers out there and we all just patiently await her arrival?

What happens when you put someone on a pedestal? three things.

• You consider yourself to be unworthy of them, and hide
• You desire nothing more then to be with them and seek them in everything you do.

If you can’t do either

• You try to become them.

But, let me be honest. I don’t think Maven is going to be all that great. I have pieces inside of me that are of her, and all I feel is loneliness.

The part of Myself that I’m in love with is the Abby that died.

Why did we have to kill her?

Daisy says it’s because she wasn’t working hard enough to become MavenType. She spent years of her life floundering and getting nothing done. She wasn’t dedicated enough to really accomplish anything great.

Iris says it was because she was too nice, and got pushed around to much. Didn’t have the guts to become cutthroat.

Orchid said it was an All-In type of bet. Either we win everything and become Maven, or we stay a fractured person. The desperation to prevent the ladder would be the necessary push to get it done.

Sunny said she didn’t like how she hogged all the best parts of us and we were stuck with the bottom side of the staircase.

Yarrow (Yara) said it was okay. Maven would come, and she would be far better then old Abby. Nothing to fear, for we lose nothing.

I wanted to kill Abby because I thought it might make me worthy of someone elses love. I thought if she were gone, and we became Maven, I would finally be considered to be worth the effort to someone.

So Abby died… and I miss her so much.

Yes, she lacked all the aspects that matter in the trajectory of becoming Maven, but she had one thing that Maven will never have: Innocents.

• Dear Abby,
• You were just a lonely girl.
• You wanted to help people because you cared about what others got before yourself.
• You longed to be what you could never be, admired anyone that had what you didn’t have in yourself.
• You had a light in your eyes that never died, though it may flicker, you’re passions drove you to make the ultimate sacrifice.
• You allowed us to kill you because you agreed with all of us…
• And now you’re not here.
• Why did we do it this way?
• Why didn’t we have more patience! You could have made it with us!
• I miss you so much, Abby.
• I know you’re in a better place, but little did we know.
• We’d doom us all to a hell for destroying you and for seeking Maven.
• You were really all we needed. I’m so sorry we didn’t realize that before.

Thanks for the hugs. They are all that keeps me going now. The thought of you being proud of our path, proud of how far we’ve come. You believed in us more then anyone. Even more Than Martin.

I’m sorry we weren’t a greater help for you. Why we couldn’t get in line and focus, become dedicated to the cause like you.

In Memory of Abby:

Abby, You gave us everything, you’re the one that set this whole thing up, and then gave it up for us so we could get to the finish line

You gave us the desire to become great. you are the one that struck us with all these interests, who showed us we are worthy of love, that we have the ability do more.

Abby, you are so much more amazing then you believed. You were the one that gave us the tools before we even thought to begin.

You are Tsgtsokeu.

Thank you for being amazing.

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