profound thoughts

It’s a 11:11

I’m sitting in bed My head hurts from banging it against the proverbial brick wall all day. I feel like I’m a level 1 rogue thrown into a world made for level 100+. My DM is very cruel. Doing things on your own is hard… I forgot how hard it was.

For over a month I’ve been keeping myself sane by playing chess puzzles everyday. I do the ones that my premium account gives me each day, and then sometimes I will go back and do over the ones I missed. It’s like I’m hanging on the side of a mountain and the last few holds I have to support me are Chess.com, building a website, and school. If one of those starts to fail, I begin to slip.

At the beginning of this day I had planned to just figure out how to create a little repo for my website so I could cross create on my laptop for production and then also make small changes from my website server. planned on only spending less then an hour on it. Around the 4 hour mark I took a little break to clean the house and prep dinner and I made a joke that I wasn’t a dedicated person, I was an obsessive person, and when I can’t figure something out, I become a depressive person.

I need to keep track of my flaws as they are important.

Daisy doesn’t understand that after a certain time limit of focus, her efficiency declines exponentially. She doesn’t understand the need to step away. She always feels like she is at the cusp of figuring you out, Tsgtsokeu.

I had a friend once tell me “to be a good programmer you have to be willing to explore and make mistakes to figure out the solution.” Making mistakes is a great way to learn, but it’s very scary. I hate making mistakes. One of the reasons why I like working alone is because no one sees my mistakes, they are hidden by my accomplishments…I still feel them in my chest, though. In my heart.

In my mind there sits a heap of unfinished projects, half thoughts, dreams put to rest, and lost interests. Beneath that heap, down a very dark, deep hole lives a sleeping Dragon. There is a treasure that the Dragon protects. I like to think that’s where the projects I’ll actually finish are, the greatest potential for myself, represented by every fantasy’s epic climax:

Battle the Dragon (School, Work, Life)

Win the Treasure (Intelligence, Status, Love)

… I’m slipping, I’m worried about myself, I’m worried that instead of fighting that Dragon I’ll turn back and cower. Either run away or lay down and die. I want to be the person that fights that Dragon, I really do, but Maven… Mental Health is a thing and running at things fool speed is only effective for 25 to 30 minutes. After that, the more effective way is always with plenty of breaks, being kind to yourself, and meditation

You aren’t defined by being a hard worker, you need to find where your strengths lie and play to them.

1. When you’re clearheaded, you are brilliant.
2. When you’re calm, you make wise decisions.
3. When you’re proud of what you do, you feel better then everyone else in the room.

Stay clearheaded, keep calm, and be proud of what you do.

Thanks, Tsgtsokeu.

End Note:

I was checking my failed request logs from yesterday and clearly someone thinks this is a different kind of website then it really is.

There won’t be any secret pages on tsgtsokeu.com.

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