they are really hard

Trying to get my life back on track is a lot harder than I thought it would, especially when I am not 100%, mentally, physically or spiritually. I know that I need to keep pushing through it, because the damage that I’ve done is insurmountable and unimaginable.

Mentally; I’m clouded and have a hard time sitting down and getting things done. I’ve noticed that focusing hard on anything for more then 20 minutes can be challenging, but I’ve started employing the Pomodoro Technique in hopes of extending my efficiency. The day that I started doing it I was able to accomplish everything on my to-do list, even in my physical state.

Physically; it feels like my body is rejecting everything that happened recently. For about 4 days straight I had a stomach-ache that kept me awake most of the night, would make me double over in pain, get splitting headaches and dizzy spells that made me feel like I would either faint or throw up. I’ve started getting onto a more manageable diet by eating only once a day and drinking more water per day. With the winter rolling around, I have to get used to drinking more water anyway. It has helped some, but occasionally I will get intense chest pains that feel like my heart is literally being crushed by a large weight. They come and go fairly quickly, but I can’t help but wonder if these pains are simply an expression of my emotional state.

Spiritually(emotionally) I am a wreck. Not a lot to say here since it would be getting into too many details, but here is an example:

A few nights ago I was invited to a bonfire party where there would be a lot of drinking. I went to watch over my sister and to be the DD, but the car we were taking ended up breaking down so we hitched a ride with another party goer, thus ending my DD status since there was no car for me to drive.

I ended up not drinking anyway. I think I had half a beer and ended up handing it off to someone else because I was afraid if I really started drinking I wouldn’t be able to stop. So for the entire night I pretty much waited on drunk people by building the fire back to life and handing out water and snacks (mostly cooking hotdogs).

Even though I was surrounded by people, even people that I knew and liked and I knew liked me, I still felt so… alone…

At one point I went to go find my sister because I was technically the one responsible for her safety, and when I found her (she was peeing in the woods) I decided to just leave her be and go for a little walk in the woods.

I sat down and it was at that point that my physical body could not contain it anymore and I cried for a solid 5 minutes. The bonfire was within sight, and all the happy drunk people were in hearshot, but I felt so far away from everyone. Like I was sitting on the Moon of planet Bonfire, and all I could do was look up at them and wonder what it was like to be at least somewhat happy.

So yeah… emotionally I am not doing too hot, but I am pretty convinced any major changes to my life are not the answer. The Answer is to simply… Keep pushing.

Push towards what I believe needs to be done in life, towards what I value, to what I think will make me happy. Hopefully, God willing, I will make it to that place

Part of what I value are my friends and my family. I’ve ignored them for a good long while, and all of them are hurt by it. I ended up writing my best friend a letter apologizing… I wasn’t sure I was going to go home until I knew there was still a chance that life could get back to normal, even if it was a shadow of normal.

I need Friends. I need Connection. If I don’t get them I turn into a shell of who I could be.

What is the quote?

Life without love is a shadow of it’s potential.

Seems about right. I need love, I need to feel like I belong somewhere.

So why is this post called apologies? Part of coming back was I had to realize not just what I’ve done, but who’ve I hurt along the way. It’s easy to only look at one side of the spectrum, especially when you’ve been living in that spectrum for the last four months pretty much exclusively, but if you really want to start living in reality, you’ve got to see everything around you.

In the quest of doing the right thing, I pseudo started using the AA 12 steps program (or at least borrowing a few steps) One of them being I have to make a list of all the people I’ve wronged and be willing to make amends (unless doing so would cause more harm than good) and make those amends.

There are a handful of people I won’t ever be able to do that for, but I will put them on the list regardless. I’ve become quite notorious for written letters that never get sent, so why not add to that ever-growing pile.

My life is very sad, blah blah blah blah. Who tf cares.

I care! I care about my life, I care about getting it back on straight and I can’t keep ignoring the hard things. I know my reputation is tarnished, and it may never be as it was, but eventually it will get better and I just have to keep pushing.

End Note:

Anyway, This is the first time I’ve ever posted a Journal entry on the internet, so… I’m glad I made it so no one can comment on it! ^v^

Eat it, losers! This is Maven’s blog and you can’t be a part of it!

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